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Last week, a friend told me that she thinks her kids will probably have a hard time getting into an independent high school in their area because they "aren't really good at any one sport." It then occurred to me that my kids really don't do any formal sports.
I started to feel panicky. I found myself thinking seriously about somehow getting my kids on a local team, even though they've already missed the try-outs for soccer and sign-ups for softball... and have very little interest in organized sports.
My kids are interested in less organized childhood things: playing with neighborhood kids; making daisy-chains and building structures for their pet rats; swimming, though not on a team; both of them would really like to be able to ride horses (technically this could be an organized activity, but for my kids, it is a fantasy activity); drawing with glitter gel pens; and dressing the dog up with ribbons. None of this will help them get into college -- or, sheesh, high school!
Oh, to be a child! Careless, curious, happy, taken care of, that is the essence of bliss.
Don’t take it away.
It doesn’t mean that there is no room in this kind of childhood for books and music. There is room for everything – but love, patience and balance should be the goal.
http://graciouslivingdaybyday.com/
You mean they let girls play with hot wheels and boys play with easy bake ovens? The horror!
Is that what it means? I’m so out of it. Why should sports have anything to do with getting into a private school?
Wonderful article! I am glad my four are grown! So much pressure on kids and parents, nuts! Let’s let kids be kids, life is tough enough!
I live in a rural area and love that I can take my children on nature walks and just let them be kids instead of products as I see many parents doing with their children these days. It’s like we are treating our precious kids as little robots. As a former teacher, I think it is so sad that we have all day kindergarten for these little ones. Not all kids at the age of five need to be in school all day when a half day program would be entirely appropriate for their education.
My grade 1 reader, which I suspect was the same as Spoonbill’s there, as I was born in 1965, told me what I could expect: Dick goes to see the rocket launch with Father. Jane stays home and bakes a cake with Mother. My own example would be: Sandy stays home and does the dishes. Mikey goes sledding/on a light aircraft ride/hiking in the woods.
I am raising my female children to do what they want to do – whether it’s glopping on play makeup and cuddling dolls or slaughtering video zombies and collecting dead bugs in baby food jars. My girls are learning their potentials as human beings, not as stereotyped fantasies from the 1950s that will end up on valium, married to neanderthals like Spoonbill1963. You want a cake with that, Spoon? Bake it yourself. I’ve got a rocket launch to watch.
My children were and are exceptional in every way, simply because they are mine.
Which is why I love Reobert Heinlin’s famous quote from "Time Enough for Love":
"Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her childres’ beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera, keep her from drowning them at birth."
Is "Independent High School" the new euphamism for $25,000 a year private school?
Good grief. Has parenting changed that much in a generation?
Maybe we need to get back to being parents instead of our progenys’ social secretaries and life coaches.
Really? I went to school with Mike Douglas and was an undergraduate drama major. Didn’t do me one bit of good.
Your career is made by connections you make individually with people in your chosen profession or avocation. Unless you are planning to be a major corporate lawyer, banker, doctor or multi-national corporate CEO, not so much on the "where did you graduate" end.
By and large, people in those professions don’t rate themselves high on the happy scale.
My children have highly successful careers and delightful personal lives without ever having resorted to contacts made in college. As a matter of fact, although my son still stays in contact with one high school buddy, neither of them have heard or seen any of their schoolmates–either high school or college–since graduation.
Just out of curiosity, what would raising kids "gender specific" look like?
Thank you for such a great article! Raising two daughters, in this day & age when everything is about growing up faster, makes me realize I’m not doing such a bad job. My girls are happy & enjoy activities that are fun to them…not me pushing them into activities & clubs just so they’ll "fit in" for the future. I never "fit in" & I am successful & happy.
Getting ahead in this world is about connections. Those connections are made in school.
My two children- 5 & 7 participate in martial arts 3 days a week, they each have at least one play date with a friend each week after school, my older son participates in his school choir & goes to PT twice a week, and they each have weekly homework that requires time set aside each day to complete. They have very little free time after school. Weekends are sacred family fun time. But my, what I believe to be, busy kids are not the norm in my community. Parents ask why my kids aren’t enrolled in this or that. Way aren’t they in soccer? Competetive swimming? Baseball? What do your kids do with their free time? I see parents racing around town, each and every week, tired and crazed, as are their kids, trying to make it to each event and activity. Often times their kids’ day ends at 6:30 when they race home for dinner & homework. I’m sorry, but I just can’t stomach that kind of life. I want my kids to know how to be with themselves, in their own thoughts, using their imagination to keep them busy, alert & content. I want them to enjoy their time at home with their family and pets, playing with friends, helping me cook or tinkering in the garage with their dad. I worry for this generation. The video says it all – we are numbing ourselves and it scares me.
I think you got it. A big obstacle to children living an ordinary childhood is their parents’ conviction that their children are exceptional in some way.
I want an ordinary childhood!
Can I have a "do over", please?
My daughter is almost 13 years old and she still loves to play outside all day. She comes home stinking to high heaven and I couldn’t be happier.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder of what childhood and joy really mean. The amount of stress that children are under these days has skyrocketed and I imagine to a large degree it has to do with over scheduling and not having the opportunity to just relax. I know on the days that my kids are busy, our whole family feels the effects and tension. Through http://www.createcalmkids.com I am excited to help kids and parents make some easy changes and awareness so they can reclaim the life that you have so wonderfully maintained for your children.
But how to balance that against kids who live for screen time; video games and texting
Why do your children have to get into the best or most exclusive educational institution? With a little old fashioned parental attention and a regularly scheduled homework session at the dining room table they can learn just fine at the local public school.
Local community colleges are a real asset even for kids who go on to a four year or advanced degree. After all, no one ever asks where they spent the first two years.
Even when considering a four-year institution, don’t negate the one in your city or county. I graduated from a University of California campus where I never got to speak with anyone higher up on the food chain than a graduate assistant until I was a senior. Most of my classes were in large halls with 300 other students.
My daughter went to the local U at a greatly reduced cost and had what amounted to seminar classes from the freshman year on. She got the education as an undergraduate I had to wait for grad school to find.
The one lodestar for my efforts in raising–and now relating to–my kids is what will be their quality of life at whatever age I happen to be at the time. Eliminating the kneepads makes it much easier to skate, and a few skinned knees are not a disaster.
I think ordinary childhoods went out the window with the advent of ninja parenting.
i just really really enjoyed your comment.
and i find it funny that you’re a montessori mom because i was a montessori kid
)
Why can’t you just balance kids’ schedules? When mine were growing up we had a rule….only 3 outside activities, one of which had to be related to church (that was us, but you could as well substitute a service activity if you’re a non-churchgoer). Two of mine played sports, but it was their choice. My son chose Boys and Girls Club as his third activity. My daughter preferred to leave that option open most of the time. It worked well and gave them plenty of "down time."
All children are extraordinary. Open your eyes and look for it.
Some children are just extraordinarily kind—-that’s a rare gift.
So tired of parents acting as though their 12-year-olds are destined to become star athletes. Just let them enjoy playing the game, whatever game.
Ordinary would be great but there are so many parents "experimenting" with new ways to raise their kids that the end result will be anything but ordinary. One of these new ways is to raise your kids "gender neutral."
I suspect this will result in some real nutjobs in a few years.
Christine, I love this article and the way you applied Brene Brown to education in general, and "getting into a good college" or "sheesh" high school specifically. Your message is as essential as it is counter-cultural. Even those great independent schools you want your children to go to–I bet they all go on about "excellence." Though preferable to perfection, excellence is also an insidiously dangerous word. Your children ARE extraordinary, because the ordinary child does not exist, and you are preparing them (sorry, they are preparing themselves) for a great high school and college education somewhere. "Normal" is a dysfunctional word when it comes to education. You want your children to be great, because the way to greatness is as you describe. Greatness requires no comparison to others. A person can just keep on self-actualizing by playing or working at whatever their genius tells them their character should become. "Parenting toward Happiness" @ http://bit.ly/fmihsq puts a little twist on the general sense of your article that you "just want them to be happy." (…which I know is not exactly what you said.)
I laughed when I read the first part of this article. My three elementary children are in the middle building a 10-story rat-condo right now. They are rushing home from school to add stories, draw pictures for wall-decor and use scrap fabrics from my sewing projects as carpet. Thank goodness they all get along because even if we wanted to invite friends over to help we wouldn’t be able to find them. If my kids want to see their friends after school they have to join sports teams or clubs. Great if they are interested but usually not. Not one of my kids is a ‘ball-chaser’ which leaves very few options in our suburban community. I don’t mind though. I get to see them more than other parents see their kids. I love your focus on the ordinary. Life is full of ordinary experiences that’s what makes the extraordinary ones special. There is a simplicity in laundry and cooking and caring for your living space. Practical life skills that it seems some of their friends won’t have until after college.
Christine--your article really struck a nerve for me. On one hand, I do want my child to be extraordinary if possible. But on the other hand, I know that being extraordinary is not as important as being happy. My daughter is five years old and in kindergarten where the race toward college is already beginning unlike when I was five and was still taking naps. The incessant drum of academic achievement and the comparison to other kids is really hard to avoid. Parents today have to be aware of their own neuroses regarding how they push their children. Right now, my daughter takes violin–but only because she asked. My husband and I are both musicians and have instruments all over the house and we had always hoped she would naturally pick up an instrument. She also plays soccer–she is an only child and I believe getting involved in team sports enhances her social experience. I certainly don’t want to force her to do anything at this point. I believe introducing her to various activities here and there will help her to realize her talents. However, she still needs to be a child in the very basic sense of play and discovery. I know that I must allow her to just "be."